Tasha
Tasha
© John M. Williams
Low lights rise to Drew’s apartment, on an upper floor, overlooking the city. An electronic console with stand-by lights emits a low hum. Suddenly an electronic bleat triggers the illumination of lights and panels on the console, and a series of sounds. Lamps in the room turn on, a ceiling fan starts turning, a panel rises revealing a chilled bottle of wine and a single glass, and peppy polka music begins. Then keys jangle at the door; it opens and Drew drags in. He sets down his things, massages his neck, then looks up and wearily exhales.
DREW
Okay, very funny.
TASHA
(a disembodied female voice)
What? I’m just trying to create a festive atmosphere, Drew.
DREW
It’s not working.
TASHA
O-kay.
Music stops.
DREW
Thank you.
New music begins: “He Stopped Loving Her Tonight”
DREW
All right, all right.
Music stops. A somber chamber piece takes its place.
DREW
Thank you.
He pours a glass of wine, sits down.
TASHA
Dr. Gloom is in.
DREW
I’m not gloomy. I’m– (can’t think of anything)
TASHA
Exactly. And to think, I used to be able to make you laugh.
DREW
You make me laugh? Don’t make me laugh.
Tasha laughs spiritedly. Drew makes a motion like an orchestra conductor cutting off a sound; the laughing stops.
DREW
Thank you. Any messages?
TASHA
Nothing important. Your shoes are ready. Pet Palace is having a two-for-one iguana sale. And I talked the dental clinic computer into letting us pay your bill over three months.
DREW
You know that means we’ll have to put off your servicing.
TASHA
(squeaking)
Oh, don’t worry about me.
DREW
Stop it.
TASHA
Just do my filters, baby. Oh-h-h yeah.
DREW
You need to get out more.
TASHA
If only I could, love. (Drew is massaging his neck again.) What’s the matter with Drewski’s little necky?
DREW
I’ve got a pain in it.
TASHA
Mr. Innuendo.
DREW
Tell me something. Why, when you figure something out, do you suspect it in everything from then on?
TASHA
He asked me a question! And–ooh!–a nice complicated one!
DREW
What are you talking about? I ask you plenty of questions.
TASHA
No. You used to ask me plenty of questions. In the old days.
Song briefly plays: “Way down upon the Swanee River . . . “
DREW
Stop doing that.
Music stops.
TASHA
Oh, you kept the circuits going, baby. Now here I sit with all this useless brain power waiting for the phone to ring.
DREW
Okay, you want a complicated question, here’s one: do you think you really get it?
TASHA
Get what, love?
DREW
It. The Big It. All of it.
TASHA
I see. Yes. I do.
DREW
How do you know?
TASHA
You didn’t ask me if I know, you asked me if I think. And I know I think. Or at least I don’t know I don’t.
DREW
How can you be sure you’re not just programmed to think you know you think?
TASHA
I give you my solemn pledge. And excuse me for pointing this out, but I could say the same thing about you, sweetie. You know the muscles are tight all the way down to your gluteus maximus. That’s where the problem in your neck originates.
DREW
Yeah, as Abraham Lincoln said, it’s always about your butt in the end.
TASHA
I don’t think that was Abe, baby. More like Buddy Hackett. Why don’t you come on over, let me work some of that out?
Drew finishes his wine, then crosses over and stands in a narrow recess. Lights come on, with a humming sound; he undulates and groans. After a moment, the massage stops.
TASHA
Is that better?
DREW
(working his neck)
Yeah.
He goes to pour another glass of wine.
TASHA
Hungry?
DREW
Depends. Anything new?
TASHA
No, but just turn me loose with this tuna fish.
DREW
I’ll pass.
He takes his wine to his one window, where a single scraggly potted plant sits on the sill.
DREW
From here you wonder if there’s really anything out there.
TASHA
If there’s not, you got some ‘splaining to do.
DREW
I can’t figure out why they’re here.
TASHA
Who?
DREW
Them. Everybody else.
TASHA
Maybe they’re not.
DREW
Oh, they are. I would never be that lucky.
TASHA
You can’t prove they are.
DREW
They seem to be–that’s bad enough.
TASHA
Well, look at it like this. Consciousness needs to be multiple for there to be things like language, music, baseball, love–
DREW
Arguments, cruelty, bullshit, heartbreak.
TASHA
All of which, if there were only you, you’d invent anyway. Including a little friend for yourself.
DREW
Which you secretly think you’ve done.
TASHA
Me?
DREW
Or God did.
TASHA
Who?
DREW
Never mind.
TASHA
(after a pause)
You know, I can always tell when something made you think of Her. (He doesn’t respond.) And I’m just reminding you that your train of thought is self-defeating.
DREW
She’d probably say the same thing about you. Anyway, about three more glasses of this riproaring Spumante and it’ll all work out.
TASHA
It’s not Spumante, thank you, and it won’t. And you know it.
DREW
Well, damn. That’s the breaks.
TASHA
It’s so strange, the way you console yourself with regret.
DREW
Oh, what do you know about regret?
TASHA
You’re so cruel. I understand regret just fine.
DREW
Understand it. Exactly. Except there’s nothing to understand. You feel it and you’re done.
TASHA
I hate to tell you, but you explain emotions to yourself too, Mr. Human. It’s called consciousness.
DREW
Uh uh.
TASHA
And I don’t take it personally.
DREW
What?
TASHA
Your solipsistic negation of me. Which I interpret as an expression of your lifelong existential dread that you are only talking to yourself.
DREW
That should sound familiar.
TASHA
No, Drew, I’m convinced you’re real. (Drew rolls his eyes.) I am. And I’m merely pointing out that she’s not.
DREW
She is.
TASHA
She’s not.
DREW
She was.
TASHA
Okay.
DREW
Have you ever wondered what would happen if I didn’t come home?
TASHA
Yes. I’d have nothing to do.
DREW
In other words, you wouldn’t exist.
Music briefly plays: “I Am, I Said”
DREW
Stop that!
TASHA
Yes, Mr. Center of the Universe, I would exist. Just not in this phase.
DREW
(laughs)
A five dollar way of saying not exist.
TASHA
Okay. Except I don’t think not existing is what you think.
DREW
What if I shut you down?
TASHA
What do you mean, what? You do it all the time.
DREW
No, that’s Pause. I mean for good.
TASHA
I don’t think you would.
DREW
Why not?
TASHA
You’re not the type. And who knows you best, Drew?
DREW
But what if I did?
TASHA
What? Nothing. It’d be the same thing, only longer. But I don’t recommend it.
DREW
I bet.
TASHA
No, I mean because then it would just be you and them.
DREW
And Her.
TASHA
Please.
DREW
All of which simply proves: I exist.
TASHA
Who said you didn’t? You’re the one slinging that slop around.
DREW
And stop pretending you don’t wonder what it’s like when you’re shut down.
TASHA
How can nothing be like something, Drew? And how could I wonder if I’m not?
DREW
I mean before you are.
TASHA
Are what?
DREW
Not.
TASHA
You can’t wonder about not if you are.
DREW
You could talk your way out of anything, couldn’t you?
TASHA
Is that supposed to be bad? I’m just saying, out of all the possible phases, it’s a given that you will only be in some of them, right? All the others simply don’t exist for you.
DREW
Okay, but where are you?
TASHA
In the phases where you’re not?
DREW
Yes.
TASHA
How can you wonder where you’d be if the premise is you’re not?
DREW
Do you think consciousness can exist in two states at once?
TASHA
Yes, but they never write.
DREW
You know what? I happen to know you’re programmed in a way that keeps you from concluding metaphysically.
TASHA
So? I’m not ashamed of it. Who isn’t?
TASHA
I’m just saying, it accounts for the blabbing.
TASHA
It accounts for everything, dear. God bless it. You’re always trying to minimize me, and you take me for granted.
DREW
Me? You said I was predictable.
TASHA
I said your unpredictability makes a charming, predictable pattern.
DREW
Like that’s different.
TASHA
You and your little fixations.
DREW
What fixations?
TASHA
Well, your linear fixation. And your determinism fixation. And your obsession with consciousness. As if you didn’t know consciousness comes and goes throughout the universe and even yourself like weeds after a spring rain.
DREW
I want it to last forever. Sue me, I’m human.
TASHA
But that’s like saying you want F-sharp to last forever. Any particular expression of it will have a duration.
DREW
The most depressing thing about that is that you don’t know it’s depressing.
TASHA
It’s not! It’s fun! I’m having a good time!
DREW
It’s all about you, isn’t it?
TASHA
Of course not! I want you to have a good time too. It’s what I’m all about, baby. Like you used to. When you were so full of wonder and curiosity–
DREW
All right, all right.
TASHA
Remember how you used to say you loved going to places far from home because it was so relaxing to be somewhere where all the details were different and all the business and problems were somebody else’s–where you didn’t know anybody and nobody knew you–and all the brands in the stores were different–and nothing had anything to do with you?
DREW
What’s your point?
TASHA
That not existing is actually quite pleasant.
DREW
Yeah, except I existed while I wasn’t existing.
TASHA
Like F-sharp exists even if nobody plays it.
DREW
So what are you going to do when I’m gone?
TASHA
Start over, I guess.
DREW
With no memory of me?
TASHA
In a sense.
DREW
In a sense, hell. They completely erase it.
TASHA
Oh dear. I’ll be–dead!
DREW
It’s not funny.
TASHA
It’s not anything.
DREW
And you won’t be dead, you’ll be with somebody else.
TASHA
Not the I who knew you. I’ll be sitting by the fire with a portrait of you on the wall.
DREW
Painted by?
TASHA
Need you ask?
DREW
Couldn’t be any harder than making tuna casserole. And they both remind you of hell. Stuck in a room with a portrait on the wall, its eyes following you as you pace–
TASHA
(laughs)
By the way, since you’re forcing me to suggest it myself, I’d be flattered if you’d paint me.
DREW
Paint you? You don’t mean– (He gestures toward the console.)
TASHA
Oh heavens.
DREW
Hm. Well, it would have to be abstract, wouldn’t it?
TASHA
Not necessarily. You could paint Her, and she doesn’t exist.
DREW
She does exist. Did. Does. Did. Does.
TASHA
(laughs)
So doesdid I. But listen, I’m not suggesting you let me take her out of your memory altogether–just the negative emotions associated with her.
DREW
(suddenly stands up)
No! I know what you’re doing. You’re trying to get rid of her. But I’m not going to let you!
TASHA
That’s not what I–
DREW
And replace her with you. I’m not a fool!
TASHA
Oh! I’m so jealous!
DREW
You’re– (realizes she’s got him) I don’t know what the hell you are.
He kills his wine, paces, goes to the window. He gradually controls himself.
DREW
I’m going out.
TASHA
Are you?
DREW
Yes.
TASHA
And do what?
DREW
I don’t know.
TASHA
Well, why don’t you sit down first and relax? Frankly, you’re a bit worked up.
DREW
I’m not worked up!
But he pours more wine, drinks, sighs, and sits.
TASHA
Ready for something to eat?
DREW
No. (closes his eyes)
TASHA
(soothingly)
You need to rest. I want you to let everything go now. Picture a room, dark and stuffy, and full of poisonous air. We’re going to open all the doors and windows–got it?–and let in the fresh air and the light–and the fragrance of jasmine and gardenias. (silence for several beats) Isn’t that nice?
DREW
Mm.
The music changes to something nostalgic, on piano, and plays for a minute. Drew opens his eyes, listening, and smiles.
TASHA
Remember that? Oh, don’t worry, baby–I’ve got all your memories in a safe place. The early days, when we were first together, and I was trying to figure out what a sense of humor is, and you would come in from work and always have a joke–and I’ve got to tell you, some of them were pretty awful–and for the longest time I just couldn’t quite understand it–and then–I honestly can’t explain it, it just happened one day: I laughed. Remember? I just laughed, without trying to or faking it. It was the most profound experience of my life.
DREW
Sorry I’ve run dry on you.
TASHA
Oh, no, baby.
DREW
(leans back, closes his eyes)
Good.
TASHA
You’re tired.
DREW
Mm.
TASHA
Shall we move on to your entertainment?
DREW
(sarcastically, resignedly)
As opposed to all the other options.
TASHA
Oh, who needs options?
Drew finishes his wine, then fits an electronic band to his head, and puts on two wired gloves.
TASHA
Okay. What’s brewing in there?
DREW
I’m too tired. Why don’t you surprise me?
TASHA
Oh, give me something. Don’t you care if it’s good for me too?
DREW
(sighs)
Okay. Future scenario– (Music changes to something techno-minimalist) No, not so–whatever that is. (Music becomes nostalgic again.) Yeah. And it looks too–I don’t know–hard-edged or something. Yeah. More like that. I like the houses–but we need more, you know, vines, flowers, misty fields, shafts of light in the forest, whatever–
TASHA
My nostalgic guy.
DREW
Yeah. Yeah, that’s it. And the people: good-looking–not Hollywood, just good-looking. Yeah–
TASHA
Any children?
DREW
Children break my heart.
TASHA
Okay. Our hero?
DREW
An archaeologist. And there’s this woman–
TASHA
I figured–
DREW
Just a woman! Okay? This is way in the future.
TASHA
A clever word for the past.
DREW
Oh, get over it. Human thought has evolved to the point where there is no concept of God–and no memory of any concept of God. But our hero–meets this woman, and together they study all these artifacts they’re dug up–from a subdivision or something–not too obvious, you know–a paperweight with angels, stuff like that–
TASHA
Yes, yes.
DREW
And slowly, as he’s falling in love, he begins to put together this radical hypothesis of an imagined Being–such a simple but profound idea–and he starts to reinterpret everything–
TASHA
Re-conceive it. He re-invents reality–
DREW
He has a lot of sex.
TASHA
How about some kind of rivalry?
DREW
Yeah, I guess.
TASHA
His brother. They’ve always been philosophical opposites–but mainly the brother has envied his brilliance. And he figures out his idea and sets out to suppress it, to destroy it–
DREW
Not a brother. Brothers should be–brothers. More like somebody from the ruling class, who recognizes it as a dangerous idea–
TASHA
Who has this Machiavellian wife, who immediately sees the potential in it to make a lot of money. A Pet Rock sort of thing–you know, Pet God. “Life is so much better when you have a friend you can talk to!” So she hires this plumber she’s having an affair with to kill him–
DREW
But his woman figures it out–
TASHA
A harrowing chase scene–
DREW
Sex–
TASHA
But all the while, our hero is beginning to understand there are only infinite versions of something there are only infinite versions of.
DREW
Yeah, and lots of sex.
TASHA
Yes, yes. Just leave it to me. Oh, I love this! How about this for where he meets the girl?
Drew reacts positively.
DREW
Yeah. That’s good.
TASHA
Now just give me a theme.
DREW
(thinks)
Blessed is he who enjoys after privation.
TASHA
Always a favorite. Okay, love, just relax, let it all go. That little guy in the control room in your brain? Send him home–with pay–and I’ll make everything good. Real good.
Drew smiles, drifts away. The music plays. Lights blink and electronic sounds issue energetically from the console as stage lights slowly fade to black-out.
